It’s common knowledge: guys don’t message first on dating apps. But why exactly is that? After all, if a guy is interested, why wouldn’t they send messages just as much as a woman does?
Well, it turns out, it’s all to do with the science of matching.
In this article we’re going to cover:
- How guys use Tinder
- Whether or not girls message first
- Whether you should text immediately after making a match
- The most common reasons why guys don’t message first
- Frequently asked questions.
Let’s get into it!
How Guys Swipe on Tinder
According to a study on how users communicate with each other when they match, researchers found that while 21% of women would send a message first, in contrast only 7% of men would.
The researchers concluded that the way men swiped on Tinder was the reason behind this, as they were more likely to Swipe Right on a larger number of people (or even everyone!), without taking into account their bio or personality.
Once they had matched, the possibility that they actually sent the first message was much lower, as the attention they received from the matches were enough to thrill and satisfy them.
On the other hand, women tended to Swipe Right on those they seemed to actually want to have a relationship with. While that meant far fewer Swipe Rights, it led to more messaging and seeking out conversation.
Additionally, a survey conducted by the Washington Post showed that roughly one third of men would “casually like most profiles”. On the other hand, women tended to only Swipe Right on someone they were attracted to.
Ultimately, however, the way that men tended to Swipe, actually had the opposite of their intention. Since women tended to be overwhelmed, they then tended to be pickier as they had more choice. This, in turn, led to men being a lot less pickier.
As you can see, it’s a cycle that doesn’t get anybody what they want!
Do Girls Ever Message First on Tinder?
The short answer to this one is: yes! Of course they do!
However, data from Tinder shows that only 1.4% of women think they should send the first message (and 9.8% of men agree). Compared to that, 25% of women believe that men should send the first message.
On Bumble, the power is entirely in women’s hands, as only women can message first.
Tinder rolled out a similar feature (which could be toggled on and off by users) called My Move in 2018, but as of today, it doesn’t appear to have been made a world-wide feature.
Either way, early analytical studies by OKCupid showed that when women messaged first, 30% of the time it became a conversation, and men were 2.5 times more likely to message back if the woman sent the first message.
Should You Text Immediately After Matching?
Ah, yes — the age old question! How soon should you message someone?
Well, the answer will vary depending on who you talk to. They could suggest anything from 1 hour after matching, to 12–24 hours.
“You don’t want to look too keen!” is something people often say.
Well, folks, we’re going to let you in on a little secret: looking too keen when you’re on a dating app is simply not the case. If anything, look a little keener!
Let’s be honest and to the point — you’re on Tinder for a reason, whether that reason is to find love, or find love for just one night! Why wait and allow the spark to grow cold, when you could take the initiative and dive right in?
As they say: strike while the iron is hot!
If you’ve matched with someone, what harm is going to come from sending them a message straight away? You’ve got nothing to lose and everything to gain, so send a message!
You should definitely send a message straight away if they’ve just matched you. They’ll be on their phone already, increasing the chances that you could jump straight into a conversation, and potentially start talking about life.
It just makes sense!
Most Common Reasons Why Guys Don't Message First on Tinder
The Assumption That It is a Waste of Time if the Match Is Very Attractive
So, you’ve looked through all the photos, read the bio, and then Swiped Right on a whim. But now they’ve matched with you and you just know that they’re out of your league.
Why bother messaging when you know that ultimately they’re going to find a better match elsewhere?
Well, first off, get the idea out of your head that “there’s no point” in messaging! If they’ve Swiped Right on you in return then obviously there were some things they were interested in, other than your pictures!
And, if you feel like your photos aren’t up to scratch, The Match Artist could help! We’ve worked with hundreds of guys to help them take better Tinder photos and get better matches, so that they can feel more confidence when they get back out there Swiping.
Remember, lots of Tinder users are looking for more than just someone who looks good, but for someone they can have a genuine connection with. Why stop that short and not give it a chance?
Have Common Mutual Friends
While women find safety and comfort in mutual friends (they know that the potential match is not likely to be either a catfish or a serial killer), men are the opposite.
When getting to know someone, knowing that they have mutual friends means that there could potentially be someone outside of the potential relationship who could affect things. And others in the relationship are a nightmare for guys.
However, you shouldn’t let this put you off messaging first — after all, it’s just a message, not a marriage proposal! Start a conversation and see if your match is your type, first.
Suffer From Paralysis by Analysis
Swiping is easy, but following through is difficult. Especially when guys start making a list of all the reasons why their match may not work out.
Maybe they aren’t actually interested. Maybe they Swiped Right by mistake. Maybe even if you go on a date, it won’t work out.
Stop!
There are so many reasons to consider why a match on Tinder may not work out, but what about all the reasons that it might? And, even if it doesn’t become a love connection, you could still meet someone who you get along with really well!
Boredom
Much like scrolling through Instagram, Swiping through Tinder has become something that people just do for fun. A game of “how many matches could I rack up?” if I compliment everyone and Swipe Right on them all.
Well, if you’re serious about making a match on Tinder, then these aren’t the sort of people you want to be matching with anyway!
And if this is you, consider that Tinder isn’t just a game (though it may feel like it at times), but has real people with real feelings on the other end.
Not Interested in Conversing Because of Red Flags From Profile
Perhaps you got a little Swipe happy and went on a bit of a bender. And then you went back and read the profile in more detail and uh-oh! The profile has “bunny boiler” written all over it.
Well, unless you’re willing to pay for it to undo your last Swipe using Tinder’s Rewind feature, you’re stuck with a match that you just aren’t interested in messaging.
To avoid getting stuck in this situation: be more mindful of your Swipes! Swiping less often on profiles that you’re actually interested in (which you’ve read carefully!) will then lead to potentially meaningful matches, rather than a case of Swipe regret.
Fear That the Match Is a Bot
According to Tinder users, sometimes guys wait a couple of days before messaging, simply to check out whether or not the match is a bot.
Unfortunately, while there are a lot of genuine people on Tinder, there are also a lot of catfish, fake profiles, and those looking to drive traffic to their own — ahem — “personal” sites.
While you can never 100% guarantee that the person on the other end is genuine, there are several warning signs you should keep an eye out for. If it seems a little too good to be true, it very well might be!
Just make sure that you don’t give out your personal information, stay safe online and, please, don’t send anyone any money!
Completely Burnt Out From Having Little to No Success
Key Takeaways
While men may tend to be a little more “Swipe happy” on Tinder, this actually decreases their chances of making a real connection with someone. And though some girls do message first, if you really are interested, then send that first message as soon as you’ve matched!
There could be a whole bunch of reasons why men won’t message first on Tinder, but really it all comes down to confidence.
When you work with The Match Artist, we’re invested in you as a person, just as much as you are a client. And we know all about confidence.
Why Guys Should Send The First Message
Working with us isn’t just about getting you great photos for your Tinder profile, it’s also about showing the world who you are and how you want to be perceived.
After all, a session with The Match Artist is more than just photography: it’s about making you feel good, so that when we send you those final images, what you see is a happy, confident person. And then you can take that confidence and get back to Swiping and sending messages!
Our last piece of advice? Remember to only Swipe Right on people you’re really interested in matching with and starting a conversation!
Why Do Guys Not Message First on Tinder FAQs
Are guys supposed to message first on Tinder?
There are no real rules to who should message first, though the fact that we live in a patriarchal society means that some women do expect men to message first. Really, if you’re interested and you’ve matched, send a message! You’ve got nothing to lose.
Is it weird for a girl to message first on Tinder
Absolutely not! While the data shows that not as many women believe they should message first, this is a pretty old fashioned and irrelevant point of view. If a girl messages first then it’s a good sign that she’s interested, so message back!
Do guys wait for you to message first?
Sometimes. Guys are often scared of appearing “too keen” and put a time limit on how soon they should message once they’ve made a match (similar to the “how long should I wait to text after a first date” conundrum). There could also be a whole heap of other reasons why they haven’t messaged first (see above), but it all comes down to confidence.
To this we say: be brave! Making the first move is always tricky (fear of rejection, anybody?) but the odds are in your favor, especially if you’ve already matched.
There are always many reasons to convince yourself that it won’t work out, but many more reasons to be hopeful that it could.